Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
