Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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