Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
