what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
