Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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