Will you blow on my dice?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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