I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I smell stomach acid.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She bit a glass in half.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
