: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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