Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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