Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
