dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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