did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
