So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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