my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
