True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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