I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
