I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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