Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
