tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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