2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
