proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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