I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
