the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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