So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
