The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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