New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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