I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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