I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
soo... how was my night?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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