Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
What a dumb baby whore.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
