Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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