A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
