Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
