I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
