It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
