Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
