His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
