Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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