I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
