I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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