If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
