so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
