Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
