mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
