how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
