Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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