and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
