guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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