I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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