If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
