I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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