Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
