First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
