I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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