Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
