Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
